Sep 17 / Holly McCusker, M.S.Ed, CPC-ELI-MP

The Importance of Self-Trust

The other night, my friend, who is also a coach, was grappling with significant angst, which led them to an uncomfortable emotional state. As a coach, they had hoped that their go-to strategies would help them navigate these feelings, but they were discovering that this assumption was not entirely accurate. They struggled to find clarity while anger kept surfacing. The root of their frustration was an issue at work, and they were annoyed with themselves for not managing their emotions better. They understood that anger is a catabolic, level two energy, whereas they preferred to operate in the anabolic levels of energy. It seemed somewhat ironic, considering they usually advise clients to sit with their anger in order to learn and move forward. In that moment, they recognized that being in this state of anger was actually where they needed to be to find the clarity they sought.

Fortunately, they had a coaching session scheduled for that evening. They valued being coached themselves and saw it as an important part of practicing what they preach. When the call began, they immediately expressed their frustration about being angry with themselves for their inability to handle the situation better. They were awaiting a decision on a promotion at work and were already overthinking the outcome. Their anger was compounded by the belief that thoughts shape reality, leading them to feel ashamed of potentially manifesting a negative result. They also recognized that if they did not receive the promotion, there might be a larger purpose behind it.

During the session, her coach calmly asked, "So, it sounds like one of the emotions surfacing is fear; can you elaborate on this?" Still visibly upset, they responded hastily, "I can understand if this position is not part of my future, but I don’t know how I’ll handle accepting their decision because I believe I’m the best candidate." They had been groomed for this position and had been told it was tailored for them, so accepting any other outcome was challenging. Their intuition was signaling that something was amiss, and they wanted to prepare for that possibility. They understood that their catabolic anger was serving as a defense mechanism, potentially protecting them from the sadness of rejection and disappointment. Anger was a way to shield themselves from vulnerability, allowing them to confront the results with a strong, defiant attitude.

As they delved deeper into feelings, the coach asked, "Can I make an observation?" They agreed, and the coach continued, "It seems that there is a common thread between the issues that have been arising for you lately. Do you know what that thread is?" Still enmeshed in their anger, they replied, "No, but I would appreciate it if you could tell me. It’s really driving me crazy that I can’t get a handle on these emotions." The coach responded: "I can’t give you that answer, but I know the truth is within you. It may take some time to discover it, but it’s there." Although they were not entirely satisfied with this answer and didn’t like the idea of waiting, they agreed to be patient.

The breakthrough came sooner than expected. The following morning, my friend woke up feeling frustrated and overwhelmed, needing to release her emotions through tears. While sitting in her pain, she experienced an epiphany. She remembered a podcast episode featuring Brene Brown and Oprah Winfrey, particularly a session on vulnerability that had deeply resonated with her. Deciding to listen to the next session on Trust, she initially found it irrelevant but later realized that TRUST was the common thread linking her various issues. She revisited the podcast and absorbed Brene Brown's insight: "One of the biggest casualties with heartbreak and disappointment is not just the loss of trust with others but the loss of self-trust." Brown emphasized that trust from others cannot be expected if one does not trust oneself.

This realization was a turning point for my friend. She recognized that her issues with trust, which had roots in childhood and had intensified in her marriage, had caused her to lose trust in herself. Her fear of a negative outcome at work was tied to a deeper fear of broken trust. Believing she deserved the position and trusting management’s assurances meant that a rejection felt like a reinforcement of her limiting belief that trust was unattainable. Moving forward, she understood that regardless of the outcome, the key was to trust herself to handle the decision effectively.

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