Sep 19 / Holly McCusker, M.S.Ed. CPC-ELI-MP

When a Breakup Keeps You in the Bargaining Stage of Grief

Staying in the bargaining stage of grief after a breakup can make it difficult to truly heal and move forward. When we experience a breakup, it's natural to want to hold onto the relationship by replaying scenarios in our minds and thinking about how things might have turned out differently. This is the essence of the bargaining stage—a way to avoid the painful reality of the loss. While it’s understandable to cling to the idea of reconciliation or to wish things could be undone, staying in this stage can prevent us from facing the emotions that come with the end of a relationship. We might avoid feeling sadness, anger, or regret by focusing on “what if” scenarios, but this only delays the process of healing.

The truth is, moving beyond bargaining often means confronting the next stage—depression, or the deep sadness that comes from acknowledging the finality of the breakup. This part of the grieving process can be so overwhelming that we sometimes hold onto bargaining as a way to avoid it. The thought of fully feeling the weight of our grief, loneliness, and the emptiness left by the relationship can feel too hard to bear, so we stay stuck in the cycle of "what if" thinking to keep those heavier emotions at bay. However, we cannot reach the stage of acceptance without first allowing ourselves to feel and process this grief. It’s only by sitting with our sadness, as painful as that might be, that we can begin to heal.

Bargaining also keeps us tied to false hope, making it harder to accept that the relationship is over. It’s tempting to believe that if we say the right thing or change certain behaviors, we can make things work again. However, this mindset prevents us from emotionally moving on and keeps us stuck in a cycle of longing for something that might not be healthy for us anymore. Acceptance, the final stage of grief, is where true healing begins. But if we stay in bargaining, we’re focused on rewriting the past rather than moving forward.

The reality is, breakups—no matter how painful—offer opportunities for growth and self-reflection. By allowing ourselves to feel the full spectrum of emotions and reflect on what we’ve learned, we can gain valuable insights that help us in future relationships. Moving beyond the bargaining stage requires letting go of the need to control the outcome and accepting the relationship’s end. While it’s not easy, accepting this allows us to focus on healing, rebuilding, and creating space for new possibilities. Surrounding ourselves with supportive friends, family, or even a relationship coach can make this journey easier, helping us find comfort and clarity as we work through our emotions. By embracing the process of grieving, we open ourselves up to the possibility of growth, healing, and eventually, new beginnings.
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